nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
try to milk me bitch
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
