I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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