drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
