No stitches, just platelets and will power
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
