Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
