When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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