also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
