Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
