You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
