i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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