Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
