I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
