I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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