She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
