it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dick very happy bro
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
