Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.