i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
