You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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