I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He passed out mid-signature
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
