I wish I could punch you in the face.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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