I think my fart just growled at me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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