I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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