this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
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I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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