just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
