I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The uberlube is also flammable
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
