I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
