I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
