OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
