Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
