I checked into jail on foursquare
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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