after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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