so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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