one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We got so high we made milksteak
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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