I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
