I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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