You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
