my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
