addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
