Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
