I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
