can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
