I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
