Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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