This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
