in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
