:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
