She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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