I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
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Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm both gender and math confused
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