When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Your cock deserves a montage
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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