I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
