Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
sarcasm needs its own font
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
