I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
NoShamevember. You game?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
