I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
