shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
