It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
