I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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