I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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