the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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