all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
