booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
