Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
