I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
