I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
