he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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