you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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